Family Ties Kid An Assaulterererer

So in an interesting turn of events (not really interesting so much as painful for his prey), Andrew Keaton from Family Ties has grown up to be a lady puncher. Not cool Andy! That is not the Keaton family way! Did ‘Sha La La La’ mean nothing to you? Those words stand for honour, integrity and good ol’ fashioned keeping your hands to yourself. Alex would be ashamed. Now this calls for a business plan re-write.

There seems to be a pattern going on here. If the police find a dead cat wearing a party hat and are looking for a suspect, I would head straight to Steve Keatons house if I were them. What’s the world coming to? Evidently the Keaton’s are the new Kardashian’s. Or Hussein’s. Drama Drama Drama.

Revelation: Compilation CDs That I Have To Pay For Are Not Good

100% Hits – Best of 2009

Disc 1

David Guetta feat. Kelly Rowland – When Love Takes Over
Flo Rida – Right Round [feat. Ke$ha]
Lily Allen – Not Fair
3OH!3 – Don’t Trust Me
Jet – She’s A Genius
Eskimo Joe – Foreign Land
Green Day – Know Your Enemy
Nickelback – If Today Was Your Last Day
Evermore – Hey Boys And Girls (Truth Of The World Pt.2)
Shinedown – Second Chance
T.I. – Dead And Gone [feat. Justin Timberlake]
Alesha Dixon – The Boy Does Nothing
Pitbull - I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)
Dizzee Rascal & Armand Van Helden – Bonkers
Sidney Samson – Riverside
Agnes – Release Me
Carolina Liar – I’m Not Over
Saving Abel – Addicted
September – Can’t Get Over
Wiley – Wearing My Rolex
deadmau5 & Kaskade – I Remember
Coldplay – Lovers In Japan

Disc 2

Katy Perry – Hot N Cold
Empire Of The Sun – We Are The People
The Ian Carey Project – Get Shaky – Radio Edit
Lady Sovereign – So Human
Ricki-Lee – Don’t Miss You
Tommy Trash – Need Me To Stay
Eric Hutchinson – Rock & Roll
Lisa Mitchell – Coin Laundry
Jamie T – Sticks ‘n’ Stones
Kaiser Chiefs – Never Miss A Beat
The Sundance Kids – Drive Away
Paul Dempsey – Ramona Was A Waitress
Secondhand Serenade – Fall For You
Jason Mraz – Make It Mine
The Galvatrons – Cassandra
Biffy Clyro – Mountains
The Kooks – Sway
The Potbelleez - Trouble Trouble
Steve Angello & Laidback Luke Ft Robin S – Show Me Love
Royksopp – The Girl And The Robot
Sneaky Sound System – 16
The Veronicas – Popular
Pet Shop Boys – Love etc.

Evidently the above listing makes up 100% of the hits of 2009. I have done the math and I think “0.3% Hits, 99.7% Liquid Browns” is slightly more accurate. Now don’t get me wrong, there are bursts of sweetness on this album in Lisa Mitchell, Kaiser Chiefs and Jamie-T. But don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining. We all know The Man put those artists on there not for our benefit but to reach the target “alternative” market. You know the ones, they buy the “Vote For Pedro” t-shirts. Who’s the listener out there that’s an avid Ricky Lee fan and is partial to some Jamie-T and Pet Shop Boys? I would love to meet this person, maybe get him/her to pose next to Santa and put that photo in the “Historical Yet Fictional Figures Yearbook”.

But this whole thing is like a game of ‘Spot The Odd One Out’. And I found it: Coldplay. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t they release that La Vida Loca album back when hypercolour tees were all the rage? Yet a track off said album makes an appearance on a 2009 compilation CD. Sounds to me like someone had some space to fill. If it was a choice between ‘Lovers In Japan’ (??) or Bon Jovi’s ‘Wanted Dead Or Alive’, well they picked the wrong track. I would be happy to fiscally support any compilation CD that uses any track off the great Slippery When Wet album.

Oh and good on them for sneaking in that ‘Rock & Roll’ track. I was like “Hmm, don’t know that one. Better YouTube it”. Turns out that’s exactly what they wanted me to do. It’s a song that I’ve heard on the radio on the hour every hour since early this year and had managed to avoid identifying. Until now. So hey, thanks 100% Hits and Ashton Kutcher. I got Punk’d.

You may say “It’s all well and good to identify a bunch of non-existent problems like a whiny-molefaced mole, but what would you do in their situation?” First off, calm down. You’re getting too worked up. Secondly, the solution is simple: I would limit the release of all compilation albums titled ‘100%  ANYTHING’ to cassette as surveys show that the only people who still by these things have access to an AKAI boombox. This same study has shown that they may have slight ’tard tendencies as if they have access to the aforementioned boombox, a blank cassette, SA FM and some spare time they could turn on the radio at any given point and recreate their own “100% Hits” almost to a T. All from the comfort of their trailer. See what I did there? Trailer joke. Subtle. Go back for the re-read.

If that idea failed I would then launch a “Name And Shame” campaign similar to the online sexual predator list but no where near as deviant. This would involve the cooperation of major retailers whereby when the purchase of a compilation CD occurs they would get the names and addresses of buyers and post the details online. Then concerned citizens could be alerted to the fact that Steve, the butt-pirate from next door, is an endorser of ear rape.

Kind people of the internet, we do not want these freaks near our kids. We want the children of tomorrow to grow up in a society free from unwarranted compilation CDs. “Are there warranted compilation CDs?” you may ask. Gee I don’t know, does 101 Greatest Beer Songs Of All Time fit into that category? You tell me. At least we know cold, hard, long necked research went into that project.

CAUTION: WATCH ME TAKE OUT TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE
Nickelback are so bad, they make me appreciate the fine art that is Shinedown. And vice versa.
Amazing folks. How did I do that?

Family Ties Mum A Lesbian

So Alex Keaton’s mum is a lesbian. I don’t think he’s too concerned though, it’s not going to affect his overall business plan. I did manage to track down the original lyrics to the Family Ties theme song:

I bet we been together for a million years,
And I bet we’ll be together for a million more.

Oh, It’s like I started breathing on the night we kissed,
And I can’t remember what I ever did before.

What would we do baby, Without Us?
What would we do baby, Without Us?

And there ain’t no nothing we can’t love each other through.

What would we do baby, Without Us?

My wife is a dyke.

I always wondered why they went with “Sha La La La” as the closing statement. It was kind of a misfit phrase, didn’t really go with the message of the song. Not to mention the fact that it was completely nonsensical.

Glass Coffee Table vs Alcohol

It seems the Australian Government are attempting to tap into a niche market here. “Excuse me citizen are you aware that if you consume too much alcohol you run the risk of falling straight through a glass coffee table?” The ratio of people who drink excessive amounts of alcohol:falling through transparent tables is evidently through the roof! There are millions of them, it’s a darn epidemic! Getting hit by a car? Punched out by a bouncer? Yep all very good ideas but who’s standing up for the glass coffee tables? The Australian Government, that’s who. They should turn this into a movie, ‘When Inanimate Objects Attack’. Tag line: “Her night started out just like any other. Til she fell through a glass coffee table.” In the sequel she’d fall through an opaque sliding door.

I don’t think I would actually blame alcohol in the above pictured situation. I would blame the person who associates with someone who owns a glass coffee table circa 1992 as I am fairly certain you can only get them from garage sales for gold coin these days.

Can alcohol plot a series of unfortunate events? No. That’s preposterous.
How about furniture? Next time you stub your toe on the bed frame, you’ll know what I’m talking about. They’re nocturnal and move about whilst we sleep. Furniture FTW.

A Comparative Study: Sexy Bitch to the Neighbourhood Whore

Akon said it couldn’t be done, but I gave it a crack.

I hit the streets and was on the lookout for 2 subjects: 1. a Sexy Bitch 2. a Neighbourhood Whore.
My findings were that the subjects were not hard to locate as they usually ended up being one and the same. If you’re a whore, chances are you’re a bitch and on some level considered “sex-y” (as whores quite often, dare I say 100% of the time, engage in the act of intercourse). Which led me to hypothesise that whores are sexy by default. If something isn’t considered sexy, then someone isn’t physically able to perform, therefore the act will not occur, ergo the lady is forced to relinquish her title. In my experience if you win something by default (Steven Bradbury) you should not congratulate yourself too quickly. Also the more whore-ish you are, the sexier you become. That brings me to the topic of exponential growth which is understandably complicated and is best explained visually:

I also discovered that miscellaneous lady folk do not like to be referred to as “bitch” or “whore” unless you know them personally. For example:
Appropriate: Susan you trashbag, you got drunk and threw up in my printer! You’re such a whore!
Inappropriate: Excuse me whore, which train will get me to town by 5pm?

Therefore Mr. Akon, you said that the act of comparing could not take place but you have been proven wrong. I suggest you pull all copies of your CD from the shelves and re-record the track this time inserting the line: “She’s easy on so many levels (in terms of locating and subsequently entering) and it has been proven by a good friend of mine on the internet that a whore can look in a mirror and take pride in the sexy bitch reflection. But only by default. Damn girl!”

‘Twilight 3′ Plot Uncovered

I was at the airport this morning and I looked down at my feet and saw a black leather suitcase. Upon opening it I discovered a thick manuscript titled ‘Twilight 3: Scrappy-Doo Makes A Boo-Boo’. Obviously someone had made a huge mistake and left an item of great value behind.  However a quick skim and I found out that in a jealous rage Scrappy attacks Edward with a meat cleaver and then forces himself on to Bella. Now I thought this was odd as Scrappy, other than being an asexual minor, was in fact a fictional cartoon character. Would it be like when Paula Abdul danced with MC Skat Kat in the ‘Opposites Attract’ film clip? It just wouldn’t work. Surely this version was a clever decoy to keep the “Twihards” guessing. So I installed the latest copy of Microsoft Decoder on my laptop and proceeded to retype the whole script. A day later when I hit DECODE I was presented with ‘Twilight 3: Hot Runnings’. I noticed it was fairly similar to that Disney movie about the guys that form a Jamaican bobsled team, except this was set in Iceland and Edward, Bella, Jacob, Hitler and Gandalf form a relay team that hopes to compete in London 2012. Hilarity ensues when Gandalf realises he was in a superior movie trilogy and plots the deaths of his teammates. After succeeding he has a tea party with Jude Law and Bono. Ha! Nice try, I figured this was also a decoy script as there would be no way Gandalf would let this pass – he would not kill off Hitler and then dine with Bono.

Even though both decoys proved to be of a higher quality in comparison to Twilight 1 and 2, I was still sick of being stuffed around by jackass writers. I was ready to give up. But I decided to give it one last go. Luckily as the true plot was revealed titled ‘Twilight 3: Edward vs Dracula’. Edward is enjoying a quiet nighttime read of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ at a local beatnik cafe when the Count comes up behind him, taps him on the shoulder and asks him “are you serious with all this shit?” before ripping his head off and feasting on his jugular. As the petrified cafe patrons look on Dracula boldly declares: “Who is glittering now, bitch?”. The end. Turns out it’s a short film that they plan on running during the halftime show of the 2010 Superbowl.

In conclusion how much did my blog hits just go up? Would it be as much as a post titled ‘2 and a Half Men Is  Abreast Of The Rest’? Results in a few days.

Dear: Joaquin Phoenix

RE: Your mental stability

I hope this is just a hilarious joke and that on April 1st next year when I wake up to get my morning coffee and daily online reads, there your face will be with a big smile giving the world the always reassuring finger guns as if to say “I fooled you all, you big bunch of foolio’s!” and oh how we will laugh and in 2020 we will look back on it and say “remember how you got us good 10 years ago?”

What are the chances of that happening? Can we ever get back to the status quo? Don’t answer these questions for I do not want to know.

You’re a darn good actor sir. You’ve been in a few masterpieces such as Return to Paradise and Murder, She Wrote, and some not so good productions like the Village (although you are not to blame for this as M. Night “I Think I’m The Man” Shyamalan is an overrated ass and doesn’t realise he hasn’t produced a quality film since Unbreakable).

Are you pissed that you didn’t win an Oscar for Walk the Line, is that what prompted this sudden lifestyle change? Because you should know that I was rooting for you. I mean Philip S. Hoffman, good bloke, but come on he was in Patch Adams! I am a true believer in holding films against award winners. That way we could be guaranteed that David Caruso and Elizabeth Berkley would never win an Oscar – I know they already have a very slim chance, but a chance nonetheless!

Now I’ve heard you “rap” and I’m not going to be one of those “haters” that make ill-informed decisions before being presented with the entire story nor am I going to pass judgment on the lives of others. Having said that you’re slightly shit. I know I said I wasn’t going to say that but I lied. You’re so shit that I would rather listen to that white guy in 5ive freestyle before I have to endure another listen of what you’re bringing to the table. Take it back and get a refund. Do not put all your eggs into this rapping basket, because you will need a fallback. If asked to do ‘Gladiator 2: Attack of the Zombies’ I say take it.

I will treat this as an open letter as I believe Joaquin would regularly Google the terms “Shyamalan”, “Overrated” and “Philip Seymour Hoffman is a tampon”. This post should be right up there in the searches.

Dear: Elizabeth Garner

RE: You’ve Got Male

Thanks for the email Elizabeth. After much deliberation I have decided that I don’t feel like seeing this flick tonight – perhaps you have the second installment to Lord of the Rings? The first one went for too long and there wasn’t much action and the third one ends in about 12 different places, so it would make sense for me to choose Two Towers.

Quick one, how did I end up on your mailing list? What were the husbands other choices of males counterparts? How did the two lovebirds meet? Is it a love story to last throughout the ages? I’m guessing not since he desires to see another mans instrument in her vessel. Great use of adjectives by the way, if it was my thing I would be clicking on the supplied link in a heartbeat. But alas I fear the title alone has given me VD. Feel free to let me know how the movie ends – who does the missus end up with? Is it like ‘You’ve Got Mail’? To be honest Elizabeth I haven’t actually seen that movie but I did once come across the guy who played the kid in ‘Sleepless In Seattle’. He denied my Facebook request. Do you know him? Is HE the husband?

Oh my, so many questions Elizabeth! Keep me posted OK?

hkf@boat-transporter.com Sent 15/11/09

Dear: KFC

RE: Lets get the Colonel involved

As a loyal customer I have had enough. And by loyal I mean when I’m in a food court and the lineup for Subway is too long and the people I’m with want KFC. When I finally make my way to the counter and place my order I am left waiting for my meal, not just any old wait, we are talking 4+ minutes. Let it be known that I never order anything out of the ordinary, perhaps chips and a potato & gravy, my acquaintances may order a Zinger burger or 3 piece feed. So my question is: what are you guys doing back there? Making lasagna? Because you should really quit this deception and rebrand yourselves as KFL then. It seems to me that when someone orders a chicken-themed meal you guys are all “oh crap, another chicken order. Better go out back and dig some up - if it was pasta sheets with meat and cheese then we’d be set.”

You’re probably thinking “4 minutes? What is this bloke on about? If you go to a restaurant you usually have to wait up to 20 minutes for your order. In the time we take to prepare your order, we ensure staff are making it fresh so that you leave satisfied. You are complaining as if someone urinated in your meal.”
You present a very compelling argument. Firstly, I pay a premium at restaurants so they can take their time and inject a little extra love in my meal. I pay you guys $4.80 to get the shit to me ASAP so I can eat and run and hopefully make it to Target before it closes. As far as the pee is concerned, know this: I will take a little pee in my food if it means my meal will get to me quickly. They say urine is chock-full of nutrients so you’d actually be doing me a favour – think of it as a fried Boost Juice.

Do you want my personal opinion? Don’t answer that, because here it comes: I think it’s been a slippery slope since you became KFC. I say get back to your roots and rename yourselves Kentucky Fried Chicken. Anyone with a semi-functioning brain is aware that you put all food, drinks, straws and napkins in a plastic bag, fry it all as one and then serve it up. Which explains why even my Mountain Dew tastes like pure obesity.

What would the Colonel say about all of this? He was a man of honour, integrity and he had a rockin’ mo. I am fairly certain he would not stand idly by whilst a loyal customer declared they would rather consume urine than wait for their meal. He would set the wheels in motion by issuing a memo to all employees telling them to hurry the fuck up and produce food already! He would then send me a few complimentary meal vouchers.

Listen to the Colonel. He is very wise. He’s knows I’m tight with ACA – I pitched a story to them once (I got no response) and I’m due to pitch another.

http://www.kfc.com.au/about-us/contact-us.asp Sent 10/11/09

Dear: SAFM (Pt. 4)

RE: RE: RE: Dear: SA FM

Well good for you! You took some of my advice on board and played a Pearl Jam song that wasn’t ‘Better Man’ or ‘Daughter’. ‘Last Kiss’ is a good song, still a commercial release but hey baby steps. However I am not sure if I can take the credit for it as they will be playing a concert here in 2 weeks time which means we are going to be hearing a lot more of them on the radio. I’ve been around the block a few times to know how it works, dare I say we might have a Pink situation going on here? Know this: If you do a Pearl Jam megamix and/or play the dance remix of ‘Better Man’ I will sue you for duty of care to my soul.

Let’s talk websites. Now I know people make the choice to go there, it is not something that occurs against their will like when their stereo breaks at work and employees are forced to listen to the only station that gets picked up by their broke-ass antenna. No it’s not like that. However you might want to look at removing the “What We’re Playing Next” feature on your website. Quick hypothetical: If I told you that you were going to get herpes in 3 minutes and you knew there was nothing you could do to stop it, would you want to know? Probably not. Ergo remove this useless function.

Feel free to write back to me. Or perhaps we can chat late at night on mIRC, do a bit of a\s\l? Conference call? Carrier pigeon? What method of communication suits you? If I get no response then I will assume the current method is fine, which is me emailing and you sending through your thoughts telepathically. You were right about the Black Eyed Peas album being shit (personally I have not heard it) but way off on the release of ‘Chinese Democracy’ – It was released a year ago, keep up with the times brother!

http://www.safm.com.au/contact Sent 06/11/09